A HORSE OF A DIFFERENT COLOR Constant Variable · Journal 01 FIRST TRANSCRIPTION All 82 source photographs, in filename order. Original spelling and line breaks retained as closely as readable. [Text?] = uncertain reading; [illegible] = unreadable; [cropped] = cut off. ~~Text~~ = readable crossed-out words. Notes are editorial, not journal text. Repeated and partially repeated photographs are retained in this source edition. See the website for the reading edition and original images. ================================================================= SCAN 01 · IMG_5674.HEIC · Undated ================================================================= A Horse of A Different Color [Editorial notes] - Title page. A small isolated mark on the upper right page edge may belong to a sheet underneath. ================================================================= SCAN 02 · IMG_5675.HEIC · 10-30-2021 ================================================================= I am learning. Aesthetics does have a place. Atmosphere. Inviting. Lingers with you after you leave. A sense of home. Togetherness. Holidays. Decorating together, Crafts, activities together. Softness - warmth I am learning that these things matter have importance, and why What truly makes a home I think I glimpsed this in IKEA. A blueprint, maybe, now a three-dimensional view Experienced in all five senses [Editorial notes] - Duplicate photograph of the same page shown more completely in IMG_5676. The turned edge obscures the end of “leave” here; the full word is visible in IMG_5676. “why” and “truly” are underlined; “home” is circled. [Repeat photograph of IMG_5676] ================================================================= SCAN 03 · IMG_5676.HEIC · 10-30-2021 ================================================================= I am learning. Aesthetics does have a place. Atmosphere. Inviting. Lingers with you after you leave. A sense of home. Togetherness. Holidays. Decorating together, Crafts, activities together. Softness - warmth I am learning that these things matter have importance, and why What truly makes a home I think I glimpsed this in IKEA. A blueprint, maybe, now a three-dimensional view Experienced in all five senses [Editorial notes] - Duplicate of IMG_5675; this photograph has the unobscured right edge. “why” and “truly” are underlined; “home” is circled. ================================================================= SCAN 04 · IMG_5677.HEIC · 10-30-2021 / 10-31-2021 ================================================================= 10-30-2021 Human connections. (As I eat peanut-butter fudge) + listening to Amanda Palmer “Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help your black ass” Is it too easy to take advantage of too giving a person? Is it too easy for too giving of a person to let them? 10-31-2021 It is time to turn a new leaf Autumn has come, and leaves are turning everywhere But I want to turn slowly not do barrel rolls as the wind whips me through the air He spins me right round, baby My body snatcher, he had to start with my heart Yes, I want to be your (pod) person I just need time... [Editorial notes] - Two dated pages in one photograph. “pod” in parentheses is slightly cramped. [Drawings] - Record player flanked by musical notes - Small filled heart below body-snatcher lines ================================================================= SCAN 05 · IMG_5678.HEIC · 10-31-2021 ================================================================= 10-31-2021 This heart, it is still so raw. I am still racked with grief And will not apologize for it This is something I must feel ...must heal But I will. In my way In my time I will 10-31-2021 Respect the passion (¡La pasión!) Be an arsonist rather then a firefighter (but not like Fahrenheit 451) No fizzle... ...All sizzle Do not allow complacency Complacency has no place. Remember. Never lose sight. Tie a string around your finger Tape your eyes open. “No time for the old in-out, love I've just come to read the meter” [Editorial notes] - Several words are underlined for emphasis. “then” is transcribed as written. The opening punctuation around “La pasión” is stylized. [Drawings] - Small dark campfire between “No fizzle” and “All sizzle” ================================================================= SCAN 06 · IMG_5679.HEIC · 10-31-2021 ================================================================= 10-31-2021 The importance, impactfulness, of creativity can never be overstated When so much emotional energy is flowing, coursing through us, we need an outlet So we can be electrified instead of electrocuted. - And Connection - Brian, Chester, Dee, Danielle, Kyle, Brianna Lance, Amy today. Others yesterday, maybe tomorrow... Kylie or Chris, [Miki?] perhaps Undeniably, we are social creatures 10-31-2021 How can a man dressed completely in black light up my life so brightly? Choose the people who brighten our lives Fill the sky with stars, banish the clouds obscuring them Positive people shine, sparkling even on our darkest nights And, who knows...? Maybe someday the Sun will even come out [Editorial notes] - Name “Miki” uncertain. The name sequence “Brianna Lance” has no clear comma between the two words. [Drawings] - Sun peeking out from dense scribbled clouds along the foot of the page ================================================================= SCAN 07 · IMG_5680.HEIC · 10-31-2021 / 11-2-2021 ================================================================= 10-31-2021 Slam the door on people who disrespect you! Never open it again — not even a crack... because that is how more than just the light gets in. If it has to be kept a secret, it does not feel like a thing worth having. Secrets stem from shame, and I do not want to do anything that makes me feel ashamed. 11-2-2021 Falling asleep to Fraggle Rock every night, trying to banish bad dreams at least, if not force good ones. Good ones do come... The bodysnatcher makes a video game, we skateboard together. He returns early from Michigan, surprising me by crawling into my bed late one night. He is not unwelcome. [Editorial notes] - The “dis” in “disrespect” is circled. “Fraggle Rock” has radiating emphasis marks. [Drawings] - Loose curling downward arrow below “feel ashamed” ================================================================= SCAN 08 · IMG_5681.HEIC · 11-2-2021 ================================================================= 11-2-2021 He is so incredibly sweet patient, understanding But I thought Steve was all those things, too And it was all the perfect act Our song was “Can't Take My Eyes Off You” The very first words are: You're just too good to be true. And he was. So how can I trust that this new person is truly what he seems? Would I be repeating past mistakes or would I be allowing my past to perpetuate different ones? 11-2-2021 Maybe people are wrong about why women tend to date “bad boys” Perhaps not because they enjoy being treated badly But because at least - they know what they are getting - and they can trust that it is real Is it reckless to trust? Is it worse to live in fear? Lesser of two weevils Risk reward analysis What happened to... Just be simple...? ================================================================= SCAN 09 · IMG_5682.HEIC · 11-3-2021 ================================================================= Humanity has grown too far removed from the daily Darwinian struggle to survive. Such pathetic creatures we have become, aimless insects so desperate for a new purpose. We want . . . no we NEED there to be a meaning to it all. We need it so badly that we imbue every word with weight entirely imagined, are crushed by the gravity of situations that truthfully have none, grasping at whatever warmth flesh might promise but never fully deliver. No one ever cares enough, loves us enough, knows us enough, and nothing will ever be enough because enough is just another absurd human abstraction, a misconceived notion damning us to an ill-begotten fate There seems very little point at this stage, very little point to anything at all, and yet here I am, an unwilling witness to, if not participant in, this gloriously stupid charade 11-3-2021 [Editorial notes] - Text is printed on separate white paper strips pasted to both pages. Date alone is handwritten. No visible period after “fate” or “charade”. - Independent visual review confirmed the complete text of every printed strip. A small dash-like mark follows the period after deliver; its status as text or an incidental mark is uncertain. ================================================================= SCAN 10 · IMG_5683.HEIC · 11-4-2021 / 11-5-2021 ================================================================= 11-4-2021 Is it a strange thing... to say “thank you” to someone for giving me a glimpse of myself through his eyes? He looks at me... he sees something “amazing” When I have felt so completely the opposite for so long. But I see myself from his perspective, and the self-deprecation begins to melt away... 11-5-2021 Yes, I get stuck, hung up on truth. This is who I am — I have to tell the truth I just do. And people say honesty is the most important thing, but they do not really mean that. Because, sometimes, the truth is hard to hear. Oftentimes, for most people, the truth is even harder to say... [Editorial notes] - “do” and “really” are underlined on the right page. [Drawings] - Pair of cartoon eyes with eyebrows and a tiny nose ================================================================= SCAN 11 · IMG_5684.HEIC · 11-5-2021 ================================================================= 11-5-2021 Because the truth can hurt. And humans, we are hopelessly averse to pain. But pain serves a purpose. Biologically! We are meant to learn from it. It reveals what matters to us, and when something has gone wrong with that. It identifies problems, and we need to pay attention to that. We need to feel it so we can fix it! 11-5-2021 How else can we grow? How else can we improve?? Get comfortable with being uncomfortable!!! Yet, I struggle now with simply too much all at once. and I am drowning in a saltwater sea (yes, tears) of sadness. Take all things in moderation - (even World of Warcraft!) But I have no control over how much hurt life heaps on top of me ... [Editorial notes] - “learn” and “pay attention” are underlined on the left page. ================================================================= SCAN 12 · IMG_5685.HEIC · 11-5-2021 / 11-7-2021 ================================================================= 11-5-2021 so I simply beg, beseech any power that be “Please, decrease the dose” if only for just a moment to let me catch my breath if not my stride... just yet. An opportunity for my tears to evaporate instead of my strength. What would it take?? Because I would give anything at all if only I had anything at all left to give. 11-7-2021 I returned home last night, the scent of incense still clinging to the fibers of my scarf and I can still feel the vestiges of conversation connection the glowing warmth like embers still vaguely illuminating this darkness that had been enveloping me so thoroughly until a few weeks ago [Editorial notes] - “What would it take??” is heavily underlined with a line ending in an arrowhead. “connection” is written and underlined directly beneath “conversation”; neither word is visibly struck through. ================================================================= SCAN 13 · IMG_5686.HEIC · 11-7-2021 ================================================================= 11-7-2021 Even as the hour grows late we talk of many things (Of shoes-and ships-and sealing wax-of cabbages + kings!) He calls me beautiful adorable, cute... I tell him: girls, we are always told these things. I wish people would tell us — no, I wish people would see us for all the rest we can be- all the rest we are. Strong. Capable. Creative. Independent. Skilled And so much more! 11-7-2021 Steve, for all his flaws... (and there were many he just kept them hidden) lurking beneath the surface ...he did see me for all of those things. When he paid me a compliment, it was for one of those things, or something of equal measure. But — Steve had good intuition knew what I would want to hear. And told me exactly + only that. [Editorial notes] - “see”, “are”, “what”, and “only” are underlined. The phrase “lurking beneath / the surface” surrounds the shark doodle. [Drawings] - Small shark beneath a wavy waterline, flanked by long curly braces ================================================================= SCAN 14 · IMG_5687.HEIC · 11-7-2021 / 11-9-2021 ================================================================= 11-7-2021 The bodysnatcher tells me what he wants to say. And I melt for that, hoping that my feedback last night, or any night for that matter, never makes him second-guess the words he wants to speak. If he wants to tell me I am beautiful, I hope he still does. I have to trust him to stay true to himself, as difficult as trust may be, given hurt I still feel from having it recently broken. 11-9-2021 Every moment of each day is spent chasing after the will to live. It is elusive most times and sometimes it escapes me completely. (A rotten twig upon so high a tree hath slipped thy hold, and thou art dead and gone.) It is when I lose hope that I lose my hold as well when the future holds no promise of change. I am left with nothing but the unequivocal fact: if this is what my life must be, I no longer want to live it. [Editorial notes] - “must be” is underlined. ================================================================= SCAN 15 · IMG_5688.HEIC · 11-10-2021 ================================================================= 11-10-2021 Maybe I should have let Jesus take the wheel last night, but I gave the honor to a bottle of wine instead. It has a more assertive hand. Sean's soul and mine both laid bare in the quiet hours of the night And the bodysnatcher paying an unexpected visit to leave a care package of a hoodie and a selection of Reeses I flag him down, his eyes so earnest. 11-10-2021 And when I am alone again, they haunt me without relent. The thought of his tail lights - how seeing them makes me want to scream: "Come back!" But it is no use. At 2 AM, I am the one compelled to go back, and so I do. His body engulfs mine, and I am lost in it, until only one part of me, one desperately responsive part, is all that remains, [Editorial notes] - Text continues onto the following spread. ================================================================= SCAN 16 · IMG_5689.HEIC · 11-10-2021 ================================================================= 11-10-2021 Desire. Is an alien thing to me right now. But then again, he is a bodysnatcher... so maybe that explains this wellspring humming to life between my legs. 11-10-2021 Yet celibate I stay. Panic overpowering pursuit of pleasure. Though of sleep there is still very little. Dreams nevertheless come calling as they unfailingly do... There is a road, and we must take it, but we cannot figure out how. we will ... [Editorial notes] - A portrait photograph is attached to the lower left page. - The passage beginning 'There is a road' is marked with corner brackets. - 'we will ...' appears in the drawing's speech bubble. [Drawings] - A winding road leading toward a sun on the horizon, two trees, and two tiny figures with a speech bubble reading 'we will ...'. ================================================================= SCAN 17 · IMG_5690.HEIC · 11-15-2021 ================================================================= 11-15-2021 Does distance do me good? Have I managed to discern the forest; now that I have left the cover of the trees? "I'll take what I can get" "What a sweet thing to say to a lady after you fool around with her" Really, not a far cry from "I'm bored. That's all." I take no offense. How could I? I know the deal. And right now, there is really nothing I want more. 11-15-2021 And in these brisk autumn fugitive days, I relive one history, rewrite another, and try to decide how I want the next one to take shape. Dizzy with weightlessness, while reeling with guilt of shrugging their burdens off my shoulders just for a few careless days... I am overwhelmed sometimes. Most severe panic attack of my life last night. Lost consciousness... [Editorial notes] - The verb before 'around with her' is tightly written; a second visual pass reads it as 'fool'. - 'nothing' on the left page is underlined. ================================================================= SCAN 18 · IMG_5691.HEIC · 11-15-2021 / 11-17-2021 ================================================================= 11-15-2021 I regain my senses like a defeated fighter looking up at the lights. Sound fades back in - the whining case fans - always the first indication that I am about to fall into one always the first indication that I have begun to stagger out of it. Film of sweat turning cold against my skin as my body temperature falls and the damp clothes just seem to feel heavier. 11-17-2021 "There's always a 'but' with you" Well, at least it is a nice butt When I take my clothes off, it does not drop an inch. And you know, deep down, I am just as much of a snob as he is I just play the Bohemian because I am so counterculture [Blaaargh!!!?] But I still use emojis sometimes [Editorial notes] - The exclamation beneath the upper doodle is stylized and uncertain. - 'so' in 'so counterculture' is underlined. [Drawings] - An agitated round face on a stick body with raised hands and a shouted exclamation below. - A smiling round face with closed happy eyes and a single sweat drop above. ================================================================= SCAN 19 · IMG_5692.HEIC · 11-24-2021 / 11-26-2021 ================================================================= 11-24-2021 Shoving myself into my sexuality like a little girl trying to dress up in her mother's clothes. Ten sizes too big, awkward and uncomfortable, looking just foolish, and feeling out of my element in every way, no matter how desperately I want the gigantic shoes to fit. A hopeless imposter, a square peg into a round hole over and over. I am a failed experiment, and I wish it would be over. In fact, I wish it had never started. If only the scientist had dropped me on the floor when I was still in the test tube. At least then I would only have had to shatter once. 11-26-2021 Timestamps will show, it took me fewer than 32 minutes to suffer a complete meltdown. Impressive, no? And it was not until rubber had met the road that I recovered. Yes, let the record show how utterly fucked my state of mind truly is What a thorough demolition this has been. Thank you, Judas Fuckboy. ================================================================= SCAN 20 · IMG_5693.HEIC · 11-26-2021 ================================================================= 11-26-2021 "Is there something left of me to save, in the wreckage of my life?" How can so debauched of a girl be so debilitated by sexuality? I wish I could answer every question with a question. Instead, I question every answer with another answer. And sometimes I even surprise myself with how many line items there are on the list of things that I simultaneously want and do not want like and dislike find intriguing and boring Does more than one person share this headspace? Or am I really just this mercurial? 11-26-2021 No, it is not that I change my mind. My mind is made up, just in more than one direction at once. I want everything! I want nothing. TRUE ALSO TRUE What did I do Wednesday? □ Run away from something □ Run towards something Check all that apply People put all the focus on the struggle of wishing for the ability to stop wanting things. My struggle is in wishing that I could start wanting things Brakes overpower throttle [Editorial notes] - An arrow labeled TRUE points to the underlined 'I want nothing.'; a curved arrow labeled ALSO TRUE points to 'I want everything!'. - The two options have hand-drawn boxes; no unambiguous checkmark is visible. - 'start' is underlined. [Drawings] - Hand-drawn arrows labeling both contradictory statements as true. ================================================================= SCAN 21 · IMG_5694.HEIC · 11-26-2021 / 11-29-2021 ================================================================= 11-26-2021 Still, Roger (?) picked out some amazing bananas, perfectly un/ripe "I just don't see how something that feels good could really be bad." Those would probably be the first words out of the professor's mouth in Hedonism 101 He's the bleeding heart liberal, and I am the one making the case against doing what "feels good" if it hurts others. I am fading fast doing doughnuts around this fork in the road No sense of direction moral compass spinning Who is my North Star? 11-29-2021 Pointless girl... pointless girl... pointless girl... I must have said her name three times, because she has come back with a vengeance. But no, this is something different... mutated (addled?) Whatever the case, the jury cannot stay out forever. It ain't a hung jury unless the jury is his penis. [Editorial notes] - The parenthetical question mark after Roger is in the source. - 'North Star' is underlined, with a star drawn below. [Drawings] - A fork stuck in a roadway beside the phrase fork in the road; a small star under North Star. ================================================================= SCAN 22 · IMG_5695.HEIC · 11-29-2021 ================================================================= 11-29-2021 We watch his wife's videos He tells me to do an impression of her. I give it the old college try afterwards, I say: Do you want to hear my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression next? Get to the choppah!!! "Do you have to ruin everything?" NO PAUSE "Yes." Self-destruct initiated. 3... 2... 11-29-2021 There are events conspicuously absent from these pages, no? But to write them, I must first recall them. Where are they, I wonder Which person has them? Give them to me. Relinquish them now, and no one gets hurt. I promise. Hm... he keeps his promises. That much I remember. [Editorial notes] - 'Get to the choppah!!!' has multiple underlines. - A small 'NO PAUSE' annotation points to the transition between the question and 'Yes.' - The question 'Which person has them?' is emphatically underlined. [Drawings] - A small face made from curved bracket-like strokes beside the question about which person has the memories. ================================================================= SCAN 23 · IMG_5696.HEIC · 12-1-2021 / 12-07-2021 ================================================================= 12-1-2021 He belittles me by proclaiming that I cannot be alone, then proceeds to propose to me, with a pair of shiny new bongs. "I do, okay?" I tell him: You say I cannot be alone, but you also cannot allow me to, because it means you would have to be alone sometimes, too. You are laughing at me for drowning while you hold my head underwater. "Well, shit." Yeah, no shit... 12-07-2021 "Goodbyes are hard, especially when you're still so turned on." Arguably the most important events in my life right now, and I... I have barely even mentioned them here. We say goodbye, and the very next day, my sister says "hello!!" Life is a whirlwhind An extra 'h' where did that come from? Where did it all go? [Editorial notes] - The quote beginning 'You say I cannot' is enclosed in a large speech balloon linked to a phone drawing. - The word 'whirlwhind' is written with an extra h, noted by the author immediately below. - A tiny drawn face follows the last line on the left page. [Drawings] - A small mobile phone with a large outlined speech bubble holding the central passage. - A tiny unimpressed face made with three short strokes. - A small tornado-like swirl connected to the word whirlwhind. ================================================================= SCAN 24 · IMG_5697.HEIC · 12-07-2021 / 12-08-2021 ================================================================= 12-07-2021 He makes a new character [Hungjuros?] God, I love him. 12-08-2021 He dedicated his book to me. Could I dedicate my life to him? A forbidden text received at 9:45pm Hesitation is putting it mildly. Guilt is killing me softly. What was that again... "not with a bang but a whimper" ? [Editorial notes] - The new character's name is uncertain: it appears to read Hungjuros (possibly Hungfuros). ================================================================= SCAN 25 · IMG_5698.HEIC · 1-12-2022 / 1-13-2022 ================================================================= 1-12-2022 "Just hiding the evidence that you're here" Immediately, we burst into laughter. In college, sitting behind me, he sees a loose hair and attempts to pick it off my shirt, but it is still attached to my head. I turn around and bark "What the fuck?!" Me? Well, I have always been so charming. 1-13-2022 Is this the definition of implosion? The closer he gets, the harder I push him away. Up to now, he has pushed back harder, but I get the sense that I have nearly overpowered him. I am a monster. Are all monsters fighting fear with fear? [Drawings] - An angry monster face with slanted eyes and a wide fanged mouth. ================================================================= SCAN 26 · IMG_5699.HEIC · 1-14-2022 ================================================================= 1-14-2022 Words cannot express the angst I feel at being unable to trust that a person is truly what he makes himself out to be. Frozen in fear of duplicity or, worse, running away My entire life, I had such confidence in my ability to see into another person's soul. Now, I second guess myself at every turn. At any rate, I have not overpowered him yet 1-14-2022 But something has to give. I either need to overpower him or overpower myself. I tried to fight Steve off, too but he was just as tenacious Brian is not Steve I tell myself But it feels so similar And I tell myself Learn from your mistakes Especially when the lesson is still so fresh in my mind and heart. [Editorial notes] - The day in the left-page date has been overwritten; it appears to read 14, matching the right page. ================================================================= SCAN 27 · IMG_5700.HEIC · 1-16-2022 / 4-25-2022 ================================================================= 1-16-2022 My mother wonders why I find her bohochic little apartment so glamorous. The nostalgia is so fierce there thickening the air as if it is still filled with dreams that have not yet been crushed. It is more difficult than words could describe, how I can bring myself to leave And I still need to write the story of the girl who found a boy who was building sandcastles on the beach 4-25-2022 A lot can change in 3 months There is a brightness that has changed the girl into a beast. And there is a brightness in the sky overhead as we sit on a bench and talk. Frustration fissuring his brow a pack of cigarettes crushed in his oversized hand. The more I speak, the more sense it makes. Am I working things out as I process out loud? or... Am I working myself into a strop [Editorial notes] - The word bohochic is written as one word. ================================================================= SCAN 28 · IMG_5701.HEIC · 9-9-22 ================================================================= 9-9-22 And another four months pass with change... See what I did there? I could talk about how it all fell apart, but how fucking boring. Same old story, really. So now it is ten pm. I am in a mood. It has been getting worse all damn week. And I just get this way sometimes..... 9-9-22 Have you ever just been so tired of being needed? Here I am three years of mounting chronic illness Fuck, I can barely take care of myself So why oh why, do so many see fit to lean on me? [Editorial notes] - 'so tired' is underlined; 'tired' has a second underline. - The final 'me?' is surrounded by four heavily shaded emphasis strokes. [Drawings] - Four dark, roughly drawn emphasis strokes surrounding the final me? ================================================================= SCAN 29 · IMG_5702.HEIC · 9-9-22 / 9-21-22 ================================================================= 9-9-22 Problems: • I think weakness is disgusting • I think people who are less self contained than I am are weak • I am extremely self-contained • Everyone disgusts me 9-21-22 Shapely legs sit beside me She pulls out a hydroflask the sound like the unsheathing of a sword Armed with hydration, she is. No fear in me as the plane takes off, turbulence shaking us. Inescapable misery dispels existential dread Pervasive meaninglessness breeds inexhaustible melancholy. [Editorial notes] - Two differently dated pages. Underlining appears beneath Problems and part of extremely. ================================================================= SCAN 30 · IMG_5703.HEIC · 9-21-22 / 9-24-22 ================================================================= 9-21-22 Now, to all of you George RR Martin fans, I pose this question: “What do we say to the God of Death?” Come hither. Why do I so tirelessly Curate comfort when it is the threat of danger, the heat of stress, the force of pressure under which I thrive? I may dabble with others, but adrenaline is My Drug of Choice. 9-24-22 There is an ache in my fingers, a perpetual longing, an insatiable obsession with pressing buttons. To touch, to feel, to explore the surface of each, be it smooth or dimpled, small or large, be it blue, white, green, yellow, or best yet-flashing red. I smash, I caress, I fondle them all, yet it is still not enough. Never enough. I want more, I need more I cannot stop. And I am not sure that I want to stop. [Editorial notes] - Two differently dated pages. The word need is underlined on the right page. ================================================================= SCAN 31 · IMG_5704.HEIC · 9-24-22 ================================================================= 9-24-22 Oh, this is hardly anything new. This is far from the first time I have embraced my depravity, all its perverse pain. But I am pulling it in even closer this time, no middle school dance distance between us. I am playing the old hits, sure, but they have been remastered, and I am now relentlessly rerecording them with reckless abandon. 9-24-22 I would say “God help them,” but God helps them who help themselves, and these poor, wretched souls are utterly helpless. Besides, it is well known that my heart is where empathy goes to die. ~<3... Thusly, disdain does sustain. Feeds me as this house built of broken bones shelters me. Yes, all are invited to my humble home. So come. Rattle My Cage. [Editorial notes] - Several words on the right page are underlined, especially helpless. Small face and bones accompany the text. [Drawings] - Tiny round face with crossed eyes near the heart notation - Three small broken-bone shapes beside broken bones ================================================================= SCAN 32 · IMG_5705.HEIC · 9-24-22 ================================================================= 9-24-22 I suppose I should be touched by how often they want to rescue me even as I am pumping venom through their veins as if the futile gallantry counted for anything. But the brighter their light, the more it offends my eyes, makes me want to snuff it, see it go out of their eyes, the way I imagine a puppy would look at me as I close the sack and toss it in the river. 9-24-22 Christ, I am in a dark fucking mood today. Sadists. Really, are all the same. Cowards, yes. Unable to face the agonies inside. Victimizing others instead. Because inflicting pain on others lessens our own pain. And that is easier [Editorial notes] - Christ is underlined. A long leading stroke runs into today. ================================================================= SCAN 33 · IMG_5706.HEIC · 9-24-22 ================================================================= 9-24-22 It is just that... attending these conferences... it is like being the slab of meat thrown to a pack of wild canines ripping this way and that, ravenously sinking their teeth into me without ever realizing that I am actually a slice of poison, making them more rabid with each salivary bite, foaming at the mouths as the night goes on, and leaving inevitably as dogs without a boner. 9-24-22 Why should I not delight in delivering disgraceful dogs to their doom? These degenerates may enjoy the taste, but they may eventually come to recognize this sultry snack for what it is inside: bitter, bitter, bitter .................. where is... my happy sugar life? [Editorial notes] - Decorative underlines beneath where is and happy sugar life. ================================================================= SCAN 34 · IMG_5707.HEIC · 9-24-22 ================================================================= 9-24-22 So please, and by all means, tell me to name the number of orgasms I want and [how?] you can give them to me, undress me a little more with your eyes, take off your wedding ring, inch a little closer, paw at my waist, stare openly from across the crowded room. Did no one ever tell you not to feed the troll? Now you pay the toll. 9-24-22 Will these become familiar? I ask myself looking at the white cabinet in a bathroom seen exclusively through photos for years? Will these, too, fail to preserve their value? Am I really doing this? Stepping through the looking glass to explore the side devoid of magic Is all love an illusion? [Editorial notes] - Word after “and” in “orgasms I want and …” is ambiguous between how and now. [Drawings] - Small magic wand with jagged sparkle at its tip ================================================================= SCAN 35 · IMG_5708.HEIC · 9-24-22 ================================================================= 9-24-22 I changed so much over all these years, and yet, I sense more and more that this journal would read much the same as some of my earliest iterations if placed side-by-side. Reverse metamorphosis? De-evolution? Out of context: God bless indoctrination (at the expense of AJ Styles) 9-24-22 “You're so croaky it's hard to understand” Too much screaming (my mating calls) in Dallas at Ignite Lost my voice... ...maybe I left it in my hotel room. Sobriety (4/20) surrendered to a swallow no, several swallows, of blood orange lemonade. His edible of choice I really put up no resistance. [Editorial notes] - Out of context is underlined. ================================================================= SCAN 36 · IMG_5709.HEIC · 9-24-22 ================================================================= 9-24-22 Baby bird, NASA belt “Open marriage” Ex-RD Nerdy OSJ guys - Sarah's? - or Chris + Zach's? Smarmy New York guys - two from TAG in Ohio - Ryan Martin? - turncoat for a trip to Vegas and a penguins game - Miami Dolphins fan - Steve - I bullied him (rooftop. so dark, entire group shrouded in ink) His hands are busy, and is rich in more than name only. House in the Hamptons - he would invite me, but his wife has cameras. (The dean calls me Cat, just like when I was in school. “From Fox News”) (I make old men blush) 9-24-22 Hickory has the most history Envies Ex-RD's interactions Airdrops me Jinx → wanted me to give a wink as a signal to kick Ex-RD's ass. Defending my honor. Imagine Tears fall, washing away some of the (Thunder Rosa) mask It may not have been the real me, but it, but a convincing enough replication He introduces himself to a guy at the bar who tells him: Oh! I was hitting on a girl from Duncan. I am the only girl there [Editorial notes] - Left-page margin notes follow the main text in this transcription. The wording “but it, but a convincing enough” is preserved as visible. “Thunder Rosa” is inserted above mask. ================================================================= SCAN 37 · IMG_5710.HEIC · 9-24-22 / 9-26-22 ================================================================= 9-24-22 from Duncan. He pulls me away so we can be alone. I break the fourth wall. But I demand an early termination. Eject Button! A mosquito bit me. I did not want it to happen again. A good enough justification to return indoors. And I have had quite enough bug bites lately (Fucking chiggers) It itches terribly today 9-26-22 Cannabis, caffeine, nicotine creativity cocktail Nothing feels wrong Everything just feels not quite right [Editorial notes] - Left page continues directly from IMG_5709. Two differently dated pages. ================================================================= SCAN 38 · IMG_5711.HEIC · 10-04-22 / 10-28-22 ================================================================= 10-04-22 Oh, sure. I miss things Nothing of consequence Not the things I should miss His hands around my throat... yes. Sex tapes he made with other girls playing on his phone for my eyes to see while he fucks me... yes. And there should be other things In a sense, there are but only in breadth, not depth 10-28-22 He asks me a question as we lie together in bed. He uses the soft voice A simple request “Tell me before you go so I can say Goodbye” I promise that I will and I mean it. [Editorial notes] - Two differently dated pages. The word should is underlined on the left page. ================================================================= SCAN 39 · IMG_5712.HEIC · 12-01-2022 / 01-21-2023 ================================================================= 12-01-2022 For a long time now , somewhere between one year and two, I have been teetering precariously Over a cliff's edge. But lately, perhaps a week or more, it feels more like I have finally fallen off. 01-21-2023 “Why can't I find anybody like youuuuu?” he cries to me one night, nuzzling my neck, his facial hair scouring my skin, as he clutches me tightly. Love has many shapes, reaches many depths. [Editorial notes] - The word you in the quotation is drawn out with multiple u shapes. Bottom right contains a large collection of small drawings. [Drawings] - Steamship and sailboat on a shared wavy waterline - Underwater collage of shark, fish, heart, infinity sign, warning sign, people, gender symbols, rose, anglerfish, jellyfish and smiley face ================================================================= SCAN 40 · IMG_5713.HEIC · 2-3-23 ================================================================= 2-3-23 Two three, two three .. A Friday, so I wave goodbye to him in the morning. My heart breaks a little when he leaves. My heart breaks a little when I breathe. We went on a dharmic journey last night. And afterwards, he turns to me, pulls himself close, and says to me... 2-3-23 “You know, you really are my MOST favorite person” Maybe I am crazy, But I see so much beauty in all of the different ways that different people say “I love you.” Why is it so important to some people that their lovers say the exact words? The words themselves are so unimportant [Editorial notes] - “are” is underlined and MOST is enlarged. ================================================================= SCAN 41 · IMG_5714.HEIC · 3-14-23 ================================================================= 3-14-23 I have shrugged off the burdensome chains of reality for so long now, that it exists as truly little more than a nuisance settling in around me like the shabby backdrop of an off-Broadway play. Nothing but the dismal setting I expect to see as the curtains open each new day. Life, as much as it can qualify for the word, has 3-14-23 become a dull roar. But nothing takes the place of the energy. A void without a vacuum. Is acceptance the shiny goal? That final step of grief, and it almost feels worse than any other. So empty. Maybe I should listen to the Greatest Show on Earth again, to see if it can manage to convince me to be happy just to have [Editorial notes] - Sentence continues onto IMG_5715. ================================================================= SCAN 42 · IMG_5715.HEIC · 3-14-23 ================================================================= 3-14-23 the “privilege” of life. But I doubt it. I have spent 30 years lamenting the fact that I was born. Hard to see that opinion changing any time soon. Maybe I am more like my father than I care to admit - the man who has never been down with the notion of paradigm shifts. Much to the dismay of his family. But nah, that ain't me. I am open to it, just find the ~~possibility~~ unlikely. probability? 3-14-23 And as much as it might shame me deeply, I do still wish that I could be just like the rest of the people surrounding me, their eyes as blank and vacant as the mass of gray matter that floats so uselessly behind them. Yes, ignorance and bliss are inseparable bedfellows. And-come on-who would not crave a bit of bliss? [Editorial notes] - Left page continues from IMG_5714. The word possibility is struck out, with probability? written below. ================================================================= SCAN 43 · IMG_5716.HEIC · 3-17-2023 ================================================================= 3-17-2023 (St. Patrick's Day) They say you can never go home, but tonight, for the most glorious of moments, I did. I do not want the feeling to end, but I can already feel that it has 3-17-2023 Like a surgeon (not the Weird Al song) he injects perfect antiseptic so I can not immediately feel the dissection. It was not until I saw my insides laid bare did I detect the operation. ================================================================= SCAN 44 · IMG_5717.HEIC · 3-17-2023; 3-17-23 ================================================================= 3-17-2023 Were my instincts enough to outplay such a good player? One really never knows, but sometimes the misdirection is worth showing your hand. The river giveth. 3-17-23 I frankly believe that ~~these~~ conferences bring out the absolute worst in me. [Editorial notes] - 'these' is crossed out and 'worst' is underlined. ================================================================= SCAN 45 · IMG_5718.HEIC · 3/24/23 ================================================================= 3/24/23 Satan has made these past two years worth living. A bottle with no label sits empty on the counter. He shares homemade red wine. Given to him by a woman, one of the four other people who know his secret. We spy on deer. Toss salad in the shower. Ordinary extraordinary Thursday 3/24/23 My sex toy arrived. So I can play a new game of cat & mouse. I tease him about enjoying being ignored (by me) "That's different, it's like cat & mouse" Yes, Giles... but which one of us is the mouse? [Editorial notes] - Two small drawings below the right-page text. [Drawings] - A mouse in profile with a long angular tail - Minimal cat face made of ears, nose, and whiskers ================================================================= SCAN 46 · IMG_5719.HEIC · 3/24/23 ================================================================= 3/24/23 But there were so many lovelies there. New producers. Fresh meat for the grinder. Gnashing them between my teeth. How would you like to manage my relationship? A perfect head of hair. Long red pants, we left him outside. He positioned himself 3/24/23 in just the right position to see if we returned to check on him. We talk outside at a fountainside table The water behind us evoking scenes of Ax and Wendy naked in the bathhouse. What a dynamic. It might actually be toxic. But I crave it nonetheless. There really ain't anything like it. [Editorial notes] - Left-page day number has been overwritten; read as 24 to match facing date. - The word "my" in "manage my relationship" is underlined. ================================================================= SCAN 47 · IMG_5720.HEIC · 3/24/23 ================================================================= 3/24/23 Yes, more footrubs, always. Eric Jr. calls the sweet one "Greg" from Succession. Could not be more accurate. Greg compliments my designer eyeglasses. Takes selfies of us. We close the bar down with a game of pool, as the security guy watches us sternly with his arms crossed. We always cause trouble. Not a rooftop pool this time. 3/24/23 The first time in my life. That one of the people throwing envious eyes narrowed at the people chatting with me. Was a woman. Pastor does not even bother Trying to mask the way he leers at me almost with no interruption. Later, his hands join his eyes, roaming freely over my body. [Editorial notes] - Left-page date day number overwritten, read as 24. ================================================================= SCAN 48 · IMG_5721.HEIC · 3/24/23 ================================================================= 3/24/23 How does no one else ever notice all this? Baby bird fondles my tits in the lobby. I beg him on my knees to join us. And only then he worries "Oh no! Someone will see!" ~~...oops...~~ (Capitan in the mirror's reflection when I peer over my shoulder.) He declines to acquiesce to my request. He is punishing me... 3/24/23 ...for ignoring him for two days. He does not appreciate the game the way Giles does. So I bought the egg. So I can still ignore on the outside. Yet be unable to ignore on the inside. Have to ignore outwardly. Fly under the radar. It is exactly why we can keep getting away with these rendezvous. [Editorial notes] - The parenthetical about Capitan is enclosed by large curved marks. Small crossed-out "...oops..." appears above it. ================================================================= SCAN 49 · IMG_5722.HEIC · 3/24/23 ================================================================= 3/24/23 Coming back to reality is never fun. More, more, more, work, work, work, Go, Go, Go! Nothing ever really goes well. Murphy's Law on the flight to MCO, Transition to hotel. The sad son was on the same plane, but his dad picked him up. My own father returned to the nest today. 3/24/23 I am so tired. But he came bearing gifts It feels good not to move. What a luxury. Started the Jordan Challenge Monday. After all, the next gathering is in just six short months. Let me see how much of myself I can get back by then. Or even improve upon. Maybe I can hang with the ex-vegan at the gym next time... ================================================================= SCAN 50 · IMG_5723.HEIC · 3/24/23; 3/25/23 ================================================================= 3/24/23 I rub one out watching weird Japanese porn. The McDonald's of pussy. Oh, have I told you about my six month vow of celibacy? Everything is a ploy. As it is, I have not had intercourse since last spring. Increasingly sexually frustrated. 3/25/23 Enjoyed watching a robin hunt this morning. Yanking worms up, and swallowing them down in a seamless flash. I watch wrestling for the first time in over six weeks Today, I am tired today, I want to rest today, I want to go home. (again) [Editorial notes] - The word "frustrated" is underlined. ================================================================= SCAN 51 · IMG_5724.HEIC · 3/25/23; 3/26/23 ================================================================= 3/25/23 Pater et filia under one roof He, proclaimed narcissist But, really, Who is the true narcissist? I am the one devoted to Mindless self indulgence. Or maybe I just have the means to be more extravagant with it. Goddamn me 3/26/23 I owe my college boyfriend an E-mail. I probably talk to him the least Because I respect his opinion the most. Tis true, I generally have no respect for men, but this one gets an exception [Editorial notes] - Small musical notes beside "Goddamn me". - "really" and "true" are underlined. "most" is heavily retraced. [Drawings] - Two small musical-note marks ================================================================= SCAN 52 · IMG_5725.HEIC · 6/5/23 ================================================================= 6/5/23 The suicidal ideation has lost all its shock value to me at this point. To wake up wanting to die is as expected as the sun rising to start each new day. It is dull, boring, tiresome. And I am just weary. 6/5/23 But my body lives on, so it is only pieces of me that die off little by little Or maybe it is more honest to say I kill them off one by one. I loved him I guess a bit too much and it broke me. Maybe if I could bend even somewhat I could stop snapping. ================================================================= SCAN 53 · IMG_5726.HEIC · 6/5/23 ================================================================= 6/5/23 And now I do what I always do Pave over the cracks and fissures with a fresh layer of numbness. After all, numbness is effortless, and I have gotten used to this. Besides, I know better than anyone that nothing gold can stay. 6/5/23 Not that I ever want the end to come Certainly not with such abruptness as it so often seems wont to do Ceasing as suddenly as an invisible wall that I have driven myself into at full speed No throttle control, I can never just coast Forever pedal to the metal I am a crash dummy Suffering delusions of very specific nature Stubbornly fixed as I am in harsh realities Love is exception making And when the void inside my heart cries out in question I inevitably divine the answer in a man's face Where I wanted to see an angel of salvation in Satan's There the mirage magically appeared A light shining down into the supreme darkness Alabaster hand clasping mine to lift me from the pit of despair Wings folding protectively about me like something straight out of a Boris Vallejo illustration The illusion shattered along with the water glass smashed to pieces on my deck [Editorial notes] - Right page contains a pasted printout of a phone note; its entry text is included. Phone interface labels and time are omitted. - Second "numbness" is heavily retraced. ================================================================= SCAN 54 · IMG_5727.HEIC · 6/5/23; 6/14/23 ================================================================= 6/5/23 His arms leaving me to wrap around another So back down into the chasm I fall The gravel rushing up to greet me again A much more forceful embrace Staggering to my feet, every fiber screaming out in pain from this body newly broken by cuts and bruises in profusion Spirit sundered by injuries worse than those Then limping back to sleep, and wake, alone once more I guess, as it should be So now I wonder Was that the day At long last That I learned my lesson once and for all? Goodbyes can take many forms But when they are to love, they should always be poetic So I will finally pick the book up Because how else can I rightly put it down? "It might appear to be in rough shape, but I assure you it is in better condition than I am" 6/14/23 Nonsensical as it might sound, none of this has felt real for a very long time It is an unpleasant thing, for a realist to exist so far outside of reality, but here I am. Observing this all as if seen through the looking glass. [Editorial notes] - Left page contains continuation of the pasted phone-note printout; entry text is included, interface labels/time omitted. ================================================================= SCAN 55 · IMG_5728.HEIC · 6/14/23; 6/16/23 ================================================================= 6/14/23 And how ~~[illegible]~~ has it come to this? How is it that the only thing that comes naturally now is wanton self-destruction? All else requires such substantial effort 6/16/23 The end is nigh, and I am surprised to find that I do not want it to come. Not the end of my life, mind you, I still eagerly await that. The end of this journal. I am usually so excited to move on to the next. But, for whatever reason, I feel attached to this one [Editorial notes] - Heavily scribbled-out text after "And how" is unreadable. ================================================================= SCAN 56 · IMG_5729.HEIC · 6/16/23; 7/6/23 ================================================================= 6/16/23 It was such a departure from the former versions. And I can continue with this style, but this is the original. Not the first of its name, but the first of its kind. Besides, I usually have high hopes for new journals, as if they represent a blank slate, a fresh start. But I have lost hope for the future almost entirely 7/6/23 The future is uncertain the present is tense (ha!) the past is knocking at my door... My policy is to keep them closed at all times, but sometimes a window may get cracked open. If the right rock taps against the glass. [Editorial notes] - Drawing beneath the right-page entry includes stars, a crescent moon, a window, a face in a circular outline, and long curved streaks. [Drawings] - A field of stars with a crescent moon, a curtained window, a face in a circular outline, and sweeping curved streaks ================================================================= SCAN 57 · IMG_5730.HEIC · 7/7/23 ================================================================= 7/7/23 I could see how I might sometimes be a bit tiresome I am currently coercing my stomach contents to remain there. Why can't you just say: "I'm Trying not to puke?!" But, hell, if they can say: "Chivalry is not dead!" 7/7/23 Then I say: Elegance is not dead. Yes, it lives on! ... in my hungover lamentations. I confess — grievous errors were made Not the 1st time Assuredly Not the last [Editorial notes] - Elegance is underlined; lives on is heavily retraced. Final five lines are written diagonally at the bottom of the right page. ================================================================= SCAN 58 · IMG_5731.HEIC · 7/8/23 ================================================================= 7/8/23 Meth is magic. I guess that makes him David Copperfield Am I cursed to watch all the great men I love succumb to the succubus of substance abuse? Do they not understand that there is a distinction to be made? Magic is myth. 7/8/23 The show is a series of illusions. But, for some people, seeing is believing, and it does not matter that it can all just be a trick of the eye, because "perception is reality" makes an easy mantra. ================================================================= SCAN 59 · IMG_5732.HEIC · 7/30/23 ================================================================= 7/30/23 Some endings are extremely fucking nigh. Others are a bit more distant. A few have already come. Another is seeking to start again. Brown Eyes has reappeared. And I have said farewell to Satan, though he seems 7/30/23 blissfully unaware; but I am more than happy to let him have his bliss. After all, that is the hand life has dealt him, just as hardship is the hand dealt me. A place for everyone, and everyone in their place And it is not that I [Editorial notes] - Text continues onto IMG_5733. ================================================================= SCAN 60 · IMG_5733.HEIC · 7/30/23 ================================================================= 7/30/23 am not hurt, it is just that pain is so fucking boring to me now it has long since gotten old. And so have I. No, I am not a Martyr. I take no pride nor joy in the suffering I bear. The only Martyr I know is entirely unacquainted with adversity. Sweet irony. 7/30/23 My old journals, they are melting pots of frenetic emotions, haphazardly spewed across the pages in bewildering number. Now, the words are the result of an eventual boiling down of that noxious cauldron. Less prolific, more potent. The reduction of feeling into a syrup of cynical sentiment [Editorial notes] - Left-page opening continues IMG_5732. ================================================================= SCAN 61 · IMG_5734.HEIC · 9/5/23; 9-4-2023 (insert) ================================================================= 9/5/23 Is it wrong, do you suppose, to appreciate something because of having so much disdain for something else? We watch a movie in the theater. Oppenheimer. We both have our eyes on the screen. And I feel such immense appreciation for that simple thing. That he sees it through his own eyes, rather than marvel at it through mine. Is it a snobbish thing? That I favor a man with a strong sense of self? Strongly self-loathing 1/9 9-4-2023 Brown Eyes, Adonis, Lost Boy Can names change with time? Can my memory be trusted to follow? Satan becomes the Eternal Martyr. But not on paper. My dear Starving Artist once wrote, the love only stays, it never leaves. I contend that it leaves its abusers. But here, it stays. In my heart for this man, who once [Editorial notes] - Left page is photographed again in IMG_5735. Right side is a loose insert labeled 1/9, dated 9-4-2023. Printed Habitat for Humanity logo omitted from handwritten transcription. Underlying right-page text is occluded by the insert and is visible in IMG_5735. - Both transcribed portions are repeated in clearer canonical photographs: journal page in IMG_5735 and insert sheet 1/9 in IMG_5747. The reading edition can omit this entire photo transcript while retaining it in the raw photo archive. ================================================================= SCAN 62 · IMG_5735.HEIC · 9/5/23 ================================================================= 9/5/23 Is it wrong, do you suppose, to appreciate something because of having so much disdain for something else? We watch a movie in the theater. Oppenheimer. We both have our eyes on the screen. And I feel such immense appreciation for that simple thing. That he sees it through his own eyes, rather than marvel at it through mine. Is it a snobbish thing? That I favor a man with a strong sense of self? Strongly self-loathing 9/5/23 as that self can be. Of course the hope is that some of my good habits rub off on him. But rather, it often seems, the very opposite is true. Maybe his self ~~[illegible]~~ is stronger even than mine, maybe what I admire is in fact a detriment. Is it fair to say he brings out the worst in me? I think not. But he does bring out the child in me. Fuck responsibility, just have fun. Of course, as a [Editorial notes] - Left page duplicates IMG_5734. A small scribbled-out word before “is stronger” cannot be read. Text continues onto IMG_5736. - Preferred reading source for the journal spread repeated in IMG_5734; keep both sides here, then continue with IMG_5736. The separate 9-4-2023 insert belongs to the IMG_5747–IMG_5755 sequence. ================================================================= SCAN 63 · IMG_5736.HEIC · 9/5/23 ================================================================= 9/5/23 child, I was not at all like that. This is the brat who never got to be a brat, and has been seizing every damn opportunity to finally be one over the past three years. Every inch the rational adult on the outside, but a five- year-old throwing a perpetual tantrum on the inside. The duality of man indeed. I would feel incredibly ashamed, surely, if not for the raging narcissism. 9/5/23 I send him a card. It is heartfelt. He asks me if I intend to fix his life a little at a time every visit (because I washed his dishes). I tell him that would be a fool's errand, and momma did not raise no fool. Then I sing a line from one of my favorite tunes at the moment: Every time you try to fix me I know you'll never find that missing piece He would hate it if he knew the source (The Weeknd) but if the shoe fits [Editorial notes] - Opening continues IMG_5735. Hand-drawn shrug emoticons appear at the foot of each page; musical notes and a staff decorate the lyric. [Drawings] - Hand-drawn shrug face with outstretched arms - Musical notes beside a quoted lyric - Treble clef and small staff with beamed notes - Hand-drawn shrug face with outstretched arms ================================================================= SCAN 64 · IMG_5737.HEIC · 9-5-2023; 9-5-23 ================================================================= 9-5-2023 And there was Mandy, a movie worth watching. Suspense ~~[illegible]~~ thriller. Never been my cup of tea, that, but it was a fully riveting experience this time. Who knew the key to enjoying the genre was a bit of meth? What better way to thrust the brain into a tense state of hyper-anxiety? Defensive when I ask questions, relate anything to it. Calls me a 'fiend.' I sigh, on the inside. Another case of being thoroughly misunderstood. I should be 9-5-23. utterly unfazed by this by now, but it still trips me up when it comes from a person so close to me. This is a symptom of my insatiable curiosity, and nothing more. This is a brand new thing, so completely unknown to me, and that simply will not do. Yes, I have become obsessive about it - needing to pinpoint exactly how things work - ever since chronic illness descended upon me. But I cannot escape this mentality - know it all I must know... I must know, I mu[cropped] [Editorial notes] - A word after Suspense is heavily scribbled out. Final repeated phrase is cut off at the right page edge. ================================================================= SCAN 65 · IMG_5738.HEIC · 9/15/23 ================================================================= 9/15/23 And yeah, I am not really sure where to go from here. I put all my eggs in a basket that was never mine. Now, the one bright spot in my life is one of the darkest. Everything is dark. If only I could close my eyes. Forever. 9/15/23 After a little bit of sleep. And now, the recurring theme in my life continues... the worse off I become, the better that everyone in my life seem to believe I am doing. Am I somehow to blame for this backwards assessment? Subconsciously, am I maybe overcorrecting for the decline in my mental wellbeing by faking happiness on the surface? ================================================================= SCAN 66 · IMG_5739.HEIC · 9/20/2023 ================================================================= 9/20/2023 I step into my hotel room, and I can feel the persona descending from the ceiling to slip over me, fitting snugly and comfortably as a glove. Let the hunt begin. “Goodnight, huntress” he said to me this week. I might not be as retired as I had initially thought. 9/20/2023 I did a line off this page in the handicapped stall of the Atlanta airport. Little white powder smuggled inside a melatonin capsule. Not enough to fill it, so my meth is now laced with a sleep aid. ================================================================= SCAN 67 · IMG_5740.HEIC · 9-20-23; 9/22/23 ================================================================= 9-20-23 Maybe it will make the high more mellow. Maybe I have very accidentally stumbled upon a brilliant idea. Or maybe that is just the drugs talking. I always think myself a genius when I am under the influence 9/22/23 My God is a merciless one. And so is his hand. It strikes me once, twice, thirty, fifty times, maybe more. He makes me look, ass facing the mirror, head swiveled over. My shoulder. ================================================================= SCAN 68 · IMG_5741.HEIC · 9/22/23 ================================================================= 9/22/23 It is two AM. It hurts to sit. My white knight saves me from the New Yorker only to subject me to physical pain that leaves me red and desperate for more. 9/22/23 (three hours of sleep later) I prefer short lines unless they are white. There is more than one way to power through a national conference. I complain about getting no sleep. “You look chipper, though!” “Oh, that's just the meth!” We laugh I prefer to hide in plain sight, [Editorial notes] - “more” is underlined. ================================================================= SCAN 69 · IMG_5742.HEIC · 9/22/23 ================================================================= 9/22/23 Confess everything, and reveal nothing. Maybe it is because I love the game so much that I resort to hating the players. But who knows? I would possibly even fight fair if I knew the meaning of the word. 9/22/23 But certain concepts are completely lost on me. Like “enough” which it never is. Could it be that I crave someone who can control me because I am so hopelessly incapable of controlling myself? ================================================================= SCAN 70 · IMG_5743.HEIC · 9-23-23 ================================================================= 9-23-23 Here it is, the bitter end. My bones heavy, burdened by the the weight of things left undone, unseen, untouched. Is greed my deadliest sin? I want so much more than my body will allow me. It opens all the doors, but prevents me from walking through them. 9-23-23 What would it be like, I wonder, to cut free from every tether? Only to submit myself to constraints of only the kinky variety? There must be something very wrong with me. To find myself feeling emotional [Editorial notes] - The repeated “the the” is present in the handwriting. Final line continues onto the following photograph. ================================================================= SCAN 71 · IMG_5744.HEIC · 9-23-23; 9-25-23 ================================================================= 9-23-23 Letting go has always come so easily to me. Regrets little more than a word in the dictionary. Flying meant freedom. Now everything seems turned on its head. How quickly carefree can simply become careless. And yet, goddamn... I really wish I could. 9-25-23 It must be such a burden to have a wife and kids buried in the backs of their brains, bearing down on them to lace every moment of pleasure with guilt. These are such cheap thrills, but the consequences could be so very costly. Pure freedom breeds pure fun. No more paper chains. [Editorial notes] - Dates are 9-23-23 on the left and 9-25-23 on the right. A separate notebook is partly visible beyond the journal at the far right; its clipped fragments are not part of this spread. [Drawings] - Small ball and chain below the words 'No more paper chains.' ================================================================= SCAN 72 · IMG_5745.HEIC · 9-25-23 ================================================================= 9-25-23 But metal chains, yes. An exception made only for one deemed worthy. The only thing bearing down on me is his weight, pinning me, pleasing himself with a punishment doled out by hand. John Galt. “Why me?” he always asks. Have I ever given him a straight answer? 9-25-23 Until now, I am not sure that I had one to give. Yet, it became so obvious as I thought about it. Because he is the alpha in every room. My inner Dagny recognizes this, respects it enough to be the beta. I may buck convention, but I am not an anarchist. I follow a strict set of rules. Mine are just different. [Editorial notes] - A separate notebook is partly visible beyond the journal at the far right; its clipped fragments are not part of this spread. ================================================================= SCAN 73 · IMG_5746.HEIC · 9-25-23 ================================================================= 9-25-23 Another six months to wait. Patience has never been my strong suit. But we know what Ayn Rand says about exception-making. But this ain't love. This is more. This is dominance and submission. And this time, it is going to happen. In some ways, these 180 days feel like the final countdown. ================================================================= SCAN 74 · IMG_5747.HEIC · 9-4-2023 ================================================================= 1/9 9-4-2023 Brown Eyes, Adonis, Lost Boy Can names change with time? Can my memory be trusted to follow? Satan becomes the Eternal Martyr. But not on paper. My dear Starving Artist once wrote, the love only stays, it never leaves. I contend that it leaves its abusers. But here, it stays. In my heart for this man, who once [Editorial notes] - First of nine numbered sheets on a separate notepad. Text continues onto the following sheet. Printed notepad branding: Habitat for Humanity. ================================================================= SCAN 75 · IMG_5748.HEIC · 9-4-2023 ================================================================= 2/9 9-4-2023 pushed me to saying the words, because he did not want to be first to do so. “You want to say you love me. I can tell.” Was he right? Maybe. Memory can offer no confirmation, but no denial, either. It was a game I played once. People do. To be the first to say the words, that scares people. It scared me. But, like most things, it does not [Editorial notes] - Second of nine numbered sheets. Sentence continues onto the following sheet. Printed notepad branding: Habitat for Humanity. ================================================================= SCAN 76 · IMG_5749.HEIC · 9-4-2023 ================================================================= 3/9 9-4-2023 mean anything to me anymore. If I feel like saying it, I will. Then again, I also never really feel like saying it now. Talk is cheap. If I love, I show it rather than tell it. Sometimes I wonder, in an offhand way, if he will broach the subject again, and if it will be in a similar manner. Of course, would be my response. Of course [Editorial notes] - Third of nine numbered sheets. Text continues onto the following sheet. Printed notepad branding: Habitat for Humanity. ================================================================= SCAN 77 · IMG_5750.HEIC · 9-4-2023 ================================================================= 4/9 9-4-2023 I love you, Kevin. Do you think I ever stopped? On the other hand, I rather roughly did rebuff the attempt from him to refer to me by a pet name (baby!), so chances might be good that he shy away from that subject entirely. It ain't that I am trying to keep him from catching feelings, surely, as [Editorial notes] - Fourth of nine numbered sheets. Text continues onto the following sheet. Printed notepad branding: Habitat for Humanity. ================================================================= SCAN 78 · IMG_5751.HEIC · 9-4-2023 ================================================================= 5/9 9-4-2023 I have to assume, like I do, he has them already. A continuation of our feelings from before. More that, I need to prevent some blurring of these oddly-drawn lines. They may be rough, but they are solid. I love you, but I am not your life partner. I could not be in the past, and I cannot be now. But, is that bad? [Editorial notes] - Fifth of nine numbered sheets. Printed notepad branding: Habitat for Humanity. The end of the word “your” is overwritten. ================================================================= SCAN 79 · IMG_5752.HEIC · 9-4-2023 ================================================================= 6/9 9-4-2023 And am I being clear enough? We never talk about it, so maybe not. But does everything need to be spelled out? Can things ever just be? Some strings attached? When he talked to his friend about it at the very start, he referred to the arrangement (awkward word here, maybe. So formal) as helping each other out. I balked at that transactional? [Editorial notes] - Sixth of nine numbered sheets. Text continues onto the following sheet. “be” is underlined. “formal” is boxed and an arrow points to the margin note “transactional?”. Printed notepad branding: Habitat for Humanity. ================================================================= SCAN 80 · IMG_5753.HEIC · 9-4-2023 ================================================================= 7/9 9-4-2023 notion inwardly. But there could be something to it. I have been fine- but empty. Does this imbue me with any manner of meaning that may have been missing? Who knows? Maybe something. At the least, distraction from the fact that I am still adrift as ever. “Don't get too distracted” the great [Alvoney?] once advised me. Wish [Editorial notes] - Seventh of nine numbered sheets. Text continues onto the following sheet. “too” is underlined. The name or title after “great” is uncertain, possibly “Alvoney”. Printed notepad branding: Habitat for Humanity. - Second visual review did not resolve the name after “great”; the bracketed reading is retained. ================================================================= SCAN 81 · IMG_5754.HEIC · 9-4-2023 ================================================================= 8/9 9-4-2023 I had listened. But no, I have given in completely to the child in me, who has been, for going on-three years now, throwing an endless tantrum. And what have I done? Spared the rod, and I should know better. Just look at my childhood. My own father set a great example. Yes, at the time, I would have sworn with every, [Editorial notes] - Eighth of nine numbered sheets. Text continues onto the following sheet. Printed notepad branding: Habitat for Humanity. ================================================================= SCAN 82 · IMG_5755.HEIC · 9-4-2023 ================================================================= 9/9 9-4-2023 every last iota of my soul that physical punishment was the worst possible way to raise a child. Would have ended bullying at school too, but now I think both made me stronger than most other people could ever dream to be. Then again, what good does it really do me? Oh, well. Beats feeling sorry for myself and the cards life dealt me. So there is that. [Editorial notes] - Ninth and final numbered sheet. The first “every” is underlined. Printed notepad branding: Habitat for Humanity.